BATTERY REVIEW

Being a big fan of caffeine-enriched beverages other than coffee (ie. Jolt Cola), I decided to try a new drink I saw in the local 7-11 called 'Battery'...

It was a mutual decision between my roommate Chris, who also enjoys a good dose of caffeine now and then, and I to give it a shot. (Normally, we wouldn't betray our Jolt roots, but Jolt seems to be going downhill.) It was about 23:00 on a Sunday night. We each opened our cans somewhat reluctantly, fearing what might be inside. Simultaneously, we each took a swig of the concoction.

It at first seemed to have some sort of super-saturated, sugar-rich berry flavour to it, followed by an acidic (for lack of a better word) after taste. (We figure this after taste compliments the name of the drink.)

After the first gulp, you couldn't help but to shake your head and exclaim, "whew-ee!". I didn't think it was possible to cram that much sugar into a 355mL can, but they did it!

For whatever reason, we quickly chugged back the rest of the drink. (Yowzas!) What a mistake that was. To give you some insight to this product, let me quote the side of the can: (The warnings were in upper-case, but for readability's sake, I have changed them to be proper-case.)

Helps temporarily restore mental alertness or wakefulness when experiencing fatigue or drowsiness. Dosage directions for adults and children 12 and over: 1 can, not more often than every 3-4 hours up to a maximum of 8 cans in 24 hours. Warning: for occassional use only. Caffeine intake is not advisable in cases of A) high blood pressure or B) pregnancy. Not intended for use as a substitute for sleep. The recommended dose of this product contains about as much caffeine as a cup of coffee. Limit the amount of caffeine containing medications, beverages (coffee, tea, colas) or foods (chocolate) as too much caffeine may cause nervousness, irritability, sleeplessness, and occasionally, rapid heart rate.

Now, let me tell you, the next four hours before I got to sleep were quite interesting. I've drank a lot of Jolt in my time, but I've never felt as weird as did after drinking Battery. Although it did do an excellent job keeping me awake well into the wee hours of the night, I don't think I'll be repeating the experience anytime soon. When I closed my eyes to go to sleep, I could swear I felt like I had the 'spins'. (For those of you unfamiliar with drinking alcohol, the 'spins' occur when you close your eyes when you are drunk. It's just as it sounds -- you feel like you are spinning out of control, and is occasionally the cause of a visit to the porcelain god for a deposit.)

The next day I discussed my findings with Chris. Not only did he have similar experiences, but since he went to bed earlier than me, and the Battery was still somewhat 'fresher' in his system, he experienced the 'spins' much more intensely than me.

Here are a couple of things to keep in mind before consuming this drink:

• Only for experienced caffeine-enriched cola drinkers.
• Use only in desperation, and/or if you know for a fact that you can't rely on Jolt because your body's immunity [to Jolt] is too great.
• Do not operate any heavy machinery, or any machinery for that matter while under the influence of Battery.
• Expect not too feel good the next day.

If you have had any experiences with Battery, please send me an email at battery@patrickgibson.com. I would love to hear about them!